Redundant Roger

Once upon a time there was a gentleman called Redundant Roger. He was so called because he was very redundant, and also because his Christian name was Roger.

Redundant Roger worked at a Book-Padding company, and his job was to pad historical books with redundant information, so as to increase the word-or-page-count. He was so good at his job that his salary had been raised by 16% at the start of the fiscal year. His salary had been £18,780. Now it was £21,784.80. He was earning considerably more than he had been, and he wanted to do something special with the extra money.

"Perhaps you could hire an Au Pair,” suggested the Au Pair.

That idea did not appeal to Redundant Roger. "I already have an Au Pair," he said.

Redundant Roger was lucky enough to be married to his wife, Sandra, who was very successful and earned far more than he did. They had two beautiful twin daughters, Self-contradictory Karen and Self-fulfilling Philippe. Their parents asked each of them what they should want him to buy them with the money, knowing that their answers would be useless.

“I wouldn't dare presume to speak before my sister,” said Karen. “for I do not care to influence her decision.”

“It matters not,” moped Philippe, “for you will not listen to my wants.”

Of course, she was right. Her mother slapped her around the ear, and scolded her for being so ungrateful. Then she took her husband into town, to the largest fireplace store in the known world.

“Then it’s a fireplace you’re after,” announced Redundant Roger. “So be it.”

They bought the biggest and most beautiful fireplace that they could find, and arranged for it to be installed in their home in good time. It was decided that Roger should attend an evening class to learn how to light fires safely and efficiently, so that they would be able to best use their new acquisition. And so he did.

When he first arrived, Roger was taken quite aback by the physical desirability of his teacher, Mrs. Ales; a slender, blonde woman, of about the same age as himself. “Hello, Roger” she said. She seemed to already know his name.

Roger seemed to pick up the basics pretty quickly. By the end of the first class, he could already light a good fire in no time at all – or in very little time, to say the least. Mrs. Ales offered to keep Roger behind after class, and show him “how to fuel the fires of passion.” He reluctantly agreed; it was not Roger’s style to reject an offer of tutorial, on the basis that he already knew the material.

Besides, it was clear to Roger that the teacher was inferring they should satisfy their primal urges together, and this was something he wished to do. Indeed, they did, numerous times. Mrs. Ales offered to drive him home afterwards, but Roger wished to take his own car.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him with a glass of wine.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” he said, nervously. “Yet you did, and with a glass of wine.”

She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. “I think you did wonderfully in class today,” she said “and I think your performance after class, for the teacher, was superb. Would you like to move to the bedroom for an encore?”

Redundant Roger was at first baffled that Sandra knew what had happened between himself and his teacher, and then perplexed by her attitude to the situation. Of course, he then realised, there was no reason to be surprised. Indeed, the extra-marital affair had been rather redundant in itself, as had been the decision for Roger to take the evening class.

For Sandra and Mrs. Ales were one and the same.