The Bear-Getter

Welcome to the 'The Bear-Getter' guide at TV Tome.

'The Bear-Getter' premiered May 15th, 2005 on NBC, with Michael Richards starring as the anti-hero, Geoffrey Slade.

Geoffrey Slade is by no means a bear-lover(Or is he?!!!). Having lost his family to a bear attack during his infantude, he has dedicated his life to ridding the world of bears in as cruel and unneccessary a fashion as he sees fit. The show centers on Geoffrey's life following his marriage to the stunning fashion model Camilla (Paulino Rubio), while he also maintains close ties with his devious lawyer Matt Stodgers (a scene-stealing Dave Bowles).

'The Beat-Getter' has recieved criticism from zoologists, who object to the unrealistic and often defamating portrayal of bears, but the show is clearly a hit with the viewers. It should be clear that the show is ironic, and that the attitudes and escapades of its' violent lead characters are not being endorsed.

Episode Guide

Season 1:
Episode 1. Pilot
Upon returning from their honeymoon, Geoffrey Slade and his new wife Camilla are disgusted to find their townhouse overrun with bears. Geoffrey is devastated when the chief bear declares that they are legal co-tenants of the house. Luckily, Slade's lawyer discovers a legal loophole which allows his client to slaughter all of the bears legally.

Quotes:
"I cannot bear to have all of these bears running around the house for the next six years!" -Camilla indicates to her husband how distressed she is by the situation.
"You don't like bears. I know that. You know that better than anyone. If a group of bears were going to legally cohabit somebody's house, you are the worst person they could have chosen. You can rest assured that I won't be satisfied until I've found a way to get those bears out of your house, Geoffrey Slade." -Matt Stodgers delivers the first of a long line of inspirational speeches.

Episode 2. My Mother-in-law, the Bear?
Geoffrey's Mother-in-law arrives for a visit (played by an on-form Rhea Perlman), and Geoffrey is convinced that she is a bear. The two play an intense game of cat-and-mouse as Geoffrey tries to kill her, whilst Camilla serves entrées and tries to talk some sense into her husband.

Quotes:
"I know the difference between a mother and a bear, and that, THAT, my dear, is a bear!" -Geoffrey declares his suspicions to Camilla.
"I am most certainly not a Bear!" -Ms. Silver maintains that she is not a bear.
"My mother is not a Bear!" -Camilla defends her mother's stance.

NOTE: An alternative ending was filmed for this episode, in which Ms. Silver dies. It is the first time in television history that an alternative ending has been filmed for a series which has not even run for one season, and is testament to the pretentiousness of the series' creators.

Episode 3. Cancer Bear
When he discovers that a much-loved local bear is dying of cancer in the local hospital, Geoffrey visits and mocks the ill-fated beast, and steals' all of its' food, during its' last few days on this Earth.

Quotes:
"There's nothing that makes me happier than to see a bear in misery. The slower and the more painful is the death of a bear, the better. And if I can do my bit to make that bears' death just a little bit more miserable, then I most certainly shall! I hate bears. I hate them I hate them I hate them! And don't give me any of your pseudo-liberal peace shit. Now perhaps you can understand how I felt when my family were taken away from me. By bears." -Geoffrey tries to explain to Camilla why he feels the need to mock the dying bear.

Episode 4. An Affair with a Bear
When Geoffrey visits a mental health clinic for the weekend, he asks Matt to keep an eye on Camilla. However, when Matt completely forgets about that, she has an affair. With a bear. Called Greg.

Quotes:
"All I've ever wanted was to be normal. That's why I married Geoffrey. But I have always felt this intense physical attraction...to bears!" -Camilla reveals to Greg her deepest desires.

Episode 5. The Flames of Deceit
Geoffrey begins buying up soft-bear companies, with the intention of holding a huge teddy-bear-bonfire to mark the 40th anniversary of his parents' death at the hands of bears. Environmental activists eventually talk him out of it, and he satisfies himself by gauging out the eyes of the teddies instead. Meanwhile, Camilla continues her passionate affair with Greg.

Episode 6. Bear Fishing!
Camilla's mother returns, and encourages Camilla to end her affair with a bear. Geoffrey and his mother-in-law then go bear-fishing.

Quotes:
"Of course you can (go bear fishing). Bears can swim, can't they? They can sure swim underwater. And if they see something attached to the end of a fishing rod, it has to be something that bears like to eat, mind you, then sure as hell they're going to eat it." -Ms. Silver tells Geoffrey that you CAN fish for bears.
"How do you know so much about bears? You are a bear, aren't you? An ugly old lady bear, in a silly frock!" -Geoffrey (In response)

Episode 7. Two Ladies and a Bear
Geoffrey's childhood pal Goldilocks comes to stay. Camilla confesses to her about the affair with a bear, and so, when Geoffrey comes home early one day to find Greg walking around in his underwear, Goldilocks claims that he is her lover. After witnessing her husband murder Goldilocks for this indignity, Camilla falls ill and is rushed to hospital.

Episode 8. Too Bear to be Bore.
The doctor reveals to Camilla the unfortunate news that she is a bear. She agonises over how to tell her bear-hating husband this, and also that she was the one having the affair with a bear. Basically this episode is drivel.

Quotes:
"I am not a bear." - Camilla reassures herself that she, like her mother, is human.
"You are a bear." - Camilla's doctor reveals the news.
"I now realise that I am a bear." - Camilla faces up to the news.

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Season 2 Synopsis to appear in the Spring.

It's official: 'The Bear-Getter' has been renewed for season 2!